Equivalent Trade
The best thing about life is that it exsists, and the worst thing is that it must end. No matter how hard we try, we can't stop death… only delay it. And the worst thing about death, is that sometimes we must give it. Only but five days from my 21st birthday, I've reached a moment in my life that I honestly wished would have never come.
For the first time in my life… I'll be without a pet to have at my side. Since the day I was born, my family has had at least one dog. We put the eldest dog, Hoagie, down when he was around 16… and I was 12 or 13… can't remember outright. A few years later, we put down my Mum's dog, Maxine. I was around 16 at the time I think. These were the 2 dogs who had been with me since the beginning, it was hard to see them go. And around Christmas about 2 years ago, another dog, Rita, just went missing. That one was easiest to deal with as I had time to slowly cope with it. But this time… it's back to the old ways.
Now, it's Maddie's turn. We got Maddie when I was around 9 or 10. Making her be about 12-13 years in age. Now Hoagie and Maxine were small dogs, and small dogs live longer. Maddie is a Collie/Shepard mix, so she's medium sized. About a year ago, her hips began to weaken. Now, she has trouble walking, and even more trouble just standing up. She doesn't seem to be in pain. But the quality of her life has gone drastically down hill this past year. As much as I hated it… I've spent the past month or so urging Murph to come to a decision that neither of us wanted to make. And now that time is come and passed.
On her last night, she gave me a look that just dug right into my heart. I felt like some sort of atrocious fiend. I had spent many days with her, joyful days, sorrowful days, bland days… you know. She was a companion through some the tougher times of my life, such as the divorce of my parents. Even putting the other two dogs down. Hugging her just seemed to make me feel better. I can't trade those days or moments for anything. They are irreplaceable.
Recently, I've been watching the anime Full Metal Alchemist. They talk constantly about “Equivalent Trade.” That in order to gain something, you must sacrifice something of equal value. I can somewhat believe that to a certain degree. It hurts having to go through this, but I get some peace of mind from it. She can no longer suffer now… but now it's my turn to suffer. Honestly though, I'm not suffering as much I was this past year watching her grow feeble and old. The worse she got, the more distant I became. And that hurt most, I was denying her the love she rightly deserved. It's honestly been one of the tougher moments of my life. Especially considering that so far I've been blessed in that I have yet to lose a person close to me to the ultimate fate that all living things share.
For some foolish reason, we allow ourselves to attach ourselves to things that someday must fade from exsistence. It's not so that we can cry at the end, it's so we can enjoy the time that we have and come to terms with our own mortality. Someday, I'll die… and so will everyone else in this world. It's sad to think something like that, but such is the harsh reality of life. Sometimes you need to be reminded of that. Hoagie, Maxine, Rita… and now Maddie. They've helped me enjoy the time I've had. But now I've grown into an adult. At 21, I can't be latching to a pet to help do away with my problems, I must do so on my own.
To Hoagie, Maxine, Rita and Maddie…
thanks…
for everything…
I'll never forget any of you and what you've meant to me.
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